After some inner conjecture, I reached out into the depths of the interwebz, and found that there are people out there, in significant numbers, that have experiences similar to mine. So I've decided to get it all out in writing, and if anyone visits this blog :), perhaps it will be a good chance for others to connect with my experiences, and perhaps introspect on those of their own.
Why do you need to come out?
So what has brought me here, now, to this point where I feel compelled to talk about this part of my identity? Well, this is partly a stepping stone for me to come out of the closet to more people than the few I'm already out to. And partly a chance to talk publicly, albeit anonymously, about being bi, where others might be able to read something that helps them think, or join in the discussion (maybe I'm getting ahead of myself here in thinking this blog will ever be read, lol).Some might wonder why a bi person, such as myself might feel compelled at all to talk about their orientation. Some questions that I've encountered and that float around online that are relevant to my personal circumstances are:
You're married to a man, so why is your bisexuality relevant?
I've had experiences with someone of the same gender, and it's not particularly intrinsic to my identity, so why is this so important to you?
Talking about being bi is too private, why do you want to risk making other people uncomfortable?
The answer to all of those questions is fairly straightforward - orientation and identity are very personal and individual. The importance I attach to it is my own personal sense of what matters, and nothing that anyone else says or feels takes away my feeling of whether this facet of my identity is important to me.
But if you take each question individually, some other things can be said:
The gender of your partner is not what defines your orientation
First of all, identity is identity. Whether my partner's name is Malcolm or Marisa, I still have the same inner world that I had prior to meeting him or her. My feelings, desires, inclinations, and identity all remain part of me, regardless of the gender, or any other traits, of my partner.Your understanding of identity and self is completely individual
In terms of the second comment, the experiences that I have in my life could fully miror another person's down to the most minute details, and yet, my personal interpretation of what that means for me, is still mine. I get to decide what facets of myself are part of my identity and to define how those parts of my life shape who I am.Bisexuality is about more than just sex
As to the third question, I simply say, there's nothing particularly private about sexual orientation. Nothing about it should offend the sensibilities of anyone who has any real understanding of what sexual orientation actually is. The simple act of a man and woman walking down the street hand in hand is an expression of sexual orientation. In my case, it's an incomplete or misleading one, as it only conveys part of my orientation. But to say that talking about being bi is too private is akin to saying people shouldn't be encouraged to make the casual expressions of their straight orientation that they make everyday, by simply mentioning their weekend plans with their husband or talking about their celebrity crush. To say that bisexuality is private, is basically saying that sexual orientation is all about sex, when in truth, it's about love, romance, desire, attraction, intimacy, connection, community, and identity.Ain't nobody got time to be in the closet
But to get back to the original question - why is it that I feel compelled to talk about my orientation? Well, I'm 36 years old, I don't want to feel anymore like there is some part of myself that I'm simply too squeamish to talk about. I'm not a kid who needs to hide and pretend. There's no reason I shouldn't be comfortable just being me.At this point in my life, as well, as a mom, I am starting to realise that much of this is not just about me, it's also about being more visible for others. What if it were my daughter, trying to come to some understanding of herself? I don't ever want my daughter to be ashamed or apologetic for who she is. And I think that as a mom, I can teach this message more authentically by being a model for her myself.
My own bi erasure and invisibility
When I talk about being in the closet, I guess I should also say what that has meant to me. It's not like I have been purposely lying to those around me about myself. Honestly, while I've always understood my feelings, I didn't allow myself, until recently, the introspection to really put together how all of those experiences and my fear of my feelings have impacted who I am, and how it all ties into my identity.I've been lucky to have had meaningful, fulfilling relationships with men, and of course now have a loving marriage. But I certainly haven't always been honest, first and foremost, with myself, about my own romantic, emotional and physical attraction to women, even though I had my first female crush around the age of 10.
Being in the closet has meant censoring myself in conversations. It has meant not pursuing relationships that I had a real interest in pursuing. And it has meant shutting out, or shutting down a part of my identity and sexuality, as if it isn't real. Generally, it comes down to not being a full, whole, sincere version of me.
If I could visualise an alternative universe me where I was always out, it would, on the surface, likely not have looked that different, except of course in terms of dating. In my own inner world, however, I would have felt at ease about the feelings I've had for men and women alike. I would have casually talked about these feelings when it came up in relevant conversation. And I would have pursued those feelings, and pursued women. It's not that revolutionary, but to my inner world it would have meant a more full, whole sense of self.
Why haven't you just come out of the closet?
So, now it might make sense to try and answer the earlier question from the reverse - what the fuck took me so long to get here?Dan Savage puts it best, when he questions bisexuals on their reticence in coming out of the closet. His voice has been among some of the rumblings in the queer community, calling on bisexuals to come out, saying in one post "Not only would it be great if more bisexuals were out to their partners, it would be great if more bisexuals in opposite-sex relationships were out to their friends, families, and coworkers. More out bisexuals would mean less of that bisexual invisibility that bisexuals are always complaining about."
Well, Dan, in response, let me tell you a little bit about my story, to perhaps shed some light on why at least this bisexual has remained fairly closeted.
So why haven't I come out yet? At this stage in my life, the answer is simple, but also complex. The short version is, a fear of being vulnerable, of sharing myself with others and having my identity and sense of self questioned, invalidated.
Gay or straight?
For the longer version, it comes down to two messages I'd internalized growing up. There was the one I got from home, mostly my mother, which was generally that attraction to someone of the same sex is perfectly natural and normal, and simply no different than attraction to the opposite sex. The wider social message from my peers, of course was that such attraction was weird, gross, strange, unnatural, bad, wrong. The result was on the one hand, my unquestioning, total and utter support and understanding of anyone who identified as having same-sex attraction, while on the other hand, an assertion that I'm not gay.....which was even more powerful in my brain, because it was true. I'm not gay. The thing that I failed to reconcile was that I am also not straight. The bottom line was, I wasn't able to realy accept that for myself, but I was also, honestly naiive, because until I was much older, I didn't really understand that there were more than two ways to identify (gay or straight). I don't remember the first time I heard the term bisexual....but I was at least 17 or 18 before it clicked for me that there was perhaps an identity that fit the my experiences of having had real and consistent feelings for both genders.Whatever shame I had at a young age, dissipated by the time I was around 18 and I was ready to take a leap and explore that side of myself. The big leap I took was mostly centered around internal unpacking, but I did get very close to actually pursuing romantic interest in girls. This was a liberating time for me, but I didn't get very far before chickening out.
You're confused...it's a phase...you just want attention
The real challenge came in forging my own identity, vocally and with confidence. I have always been a bit on the sheepish side, so asserting myself in this way was not something I felt that secure in from the start, but when I started, very slowly, sharing my feelings with friends, the reactions were mostly underwhelming. Just from a few conversations, I got the impression that people thought I was confused, it was a phase, perhaps I was being overdramatic.I realise now that this wouldn't have phased me if I had a thicker skin, but I've just never been the kind of person with the presence or self-confidence, to just know who I am, put it on the table, and shrug off whatever reaction I get. Instead of shrugging it off, I turned the questions inward and let my own personal doubts about my sense of self take over. It's not that I doubted my feelings, I just started to think well maybe it's just not a big deal, maybe it's not really all that important. And so I started to push that side of me away.
Still bisexual
But now I'm a different person, I'm me 2.0. I still have my share of self-doubt, but for the most part, I'm secure in my sense of self, and the idea that there's a part of me that I haven't been acknowledging for so long, doesn't really jibe with the confident person I believe I am now.Now, the only real insecurity I have left about this, is my shame of the closet itself. My shame in my lack of courage to have simply been me until now.
So now it's time to come out of the closet. And be a fuller, more whole, more honest version of me. Coming out to me doesn't necessarily mean making an announcement or even having a sit-down conversation addressing my orientation with my loved ones. It simply means being free, and honest with myself. Being able to talk with others without censoring myself. Saying things that imply or directly refer to my orientation when it comes up naturally, without pause and without apology. Choosing how to label or define myself. Being part of a community that I connect to on this level. Being an advocate when and where I can, and educating others.
I hope my story is of some value to anyone who's meandered their way into this post. Please share yours!
